Gags & Other Great Lines

Openers:

May I begin by thanking you for the three great human qualities - faith, hope and charity. Your applause before I speak. That's faith. Your applause during my speech. That's hope. And your applause after I've spoken. That'll be charity.

I must confess that, until yesterday, I wasn't really sure what I was going to talk about this evening. It's awful when a speaker waffles on about nothing very much until it's time for them to sit down and for you, no doubt, to wake up again. But, frankly, I didn't want my speech to be like the others I've made.

This evening I'm appearing free of charge and you might well even think I'm worth every penny of it.

Thank you. I appreciate your welcome because I felt slightly unwell. When I told your sympathetic organiser/chairman that I was feeling a little funny, he/she said: "Well, you'd better do your speech before it wears off.

What a lavish occasion! The Chancellor of the Exchequer couldn't afford to attend, but he's got a man outside who's taking the names of everyone who could.

In making this speech I feel like one of Ulrike Johnson's lovers/Darren Day's lovers/Elizabeth Taylor 's husbands/Liza Minelli's husbands. So many have been done before, but it's how to make it interesting.

Please excuse me if I seem a little edgy. I had to stand all the way from Paddington to Victoria - and that's not easy in a taxi!

Tonight, the organisation has been wonderful as has the food. In fact, it's better than at the Haemorrhoids Society's dinner I spoke at last week. That was a stand-up buffet.

No flash cameras, please. And no rubbish ones, either.

Jokes:

Almost any man can support the girl he marries, but the problem is.what's he going to live on.

He never knew what real happiness was until he got married.and, by then, it was too late.

I can't understand why people keep insisting marriage is doomed. All five of mine worked out.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

She was a tough woman. She buried three husbands.and two of them were just napping.

He and his wife had words.but he never got to use his.

Since the day we were married, I've tried never to wake up grumpy.I always let her sleep until I leave for work.

I was a late developer.I didn't start chasing women until I was 9 years old.

He loved her so much. He worshipped the very ground her father developed a 120 luxury homes on.

I've never married. I wouldn't like the hours.

Never do anything in bed you can't pronounce.

They like their drink so much that they once held up the launching of a ship for three hours. They wouldn't let go of the bottle.

Four years ago he made a major contribution to the world of banking/estate agency/law - he retired.

You can work too hard. I know people who don't think much of working 16 hours a day.I don't think much of it either.

They're so rich that in their bathrooms they have taps marked "hot," "cold" and "Dom Perignon."

XXX and I have a very balanced relationship where everything is done on a 50/50 basis. I tell her what to do and she tells me where to go.

I really surprised XXX on our anniversary that year.I remembered it.

This really is a milestone. I've been married for 20 years and am still in love with the same woman. If XXX ever finds out, she'll ill me.

They had 10 years of complete happiness.and then they got married.

Next year he's celebrating his Silver Divorce.

Do you know what it's like to come home at night to a woman/man who kisses you, sits you down, cooks you a meal and pampers you, then spoils you with love and affection? Do you know what that means? It means you're in the wrong house.

The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it just once.

Some people have such confusing love lives. I couldn't quite remember whether it was the fourth anniversary with his fifth wife or the fifth anniversary with his fourth wife.

XXX is an only child. But we decided to stop while we still outnumbered him.

XXX decided to give birth the natural way.no mascara, no lip gloss, no nail polish.

The baby looks just like the father. Oh well, as long as he's healthy.

People are so impatient these days. In London , they've even started fiancée-swapping.

This time last month, XXX was footloose and fiancée free.